Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
