upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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