I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.