I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
