you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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