Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
