so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
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You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
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And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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