God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
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IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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