I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
