Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
