Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
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No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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