I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
