I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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