The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
