My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
