i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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