I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
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I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor