Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
