I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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