i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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