My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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