which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
