my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
