youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The beer is more important than you right now.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
