I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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