Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
