Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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