watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
