Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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