she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
