Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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