I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
