that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
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Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
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And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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