you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
