I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
