dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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