dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
