enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
God I need to hump something, right now.
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