So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
