bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
