There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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