My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
