My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
