our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
