if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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