You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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