he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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