Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
