we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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