in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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