Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
