he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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