my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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