it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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