My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
