please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
