haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
