My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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